Hi Everyone! I hope you all had a great 4th of July! Yesterday I had the pleasure of seeing Portsmouth fireworks for the first time. I’m not going to lie; it was 85 degrees, hot and muggy, the entire street smelled like an army of tourist went on a jog uphill for the first time. By the time the fireworks started, I was in sort of a sour mood, and somehow I managed to stay and watch most of it. Anyways, after a long day, I decided to come home and write something that would make me happy. I’d like to tell you all about my favorite customers.
1. Pig Hibachi Socks– “Ma’am please pull down your pants.” I never in my life thought I would tell a 50-year-old woman to pull down her pants. She had pulled up her pants to show me a pig chef on her socks she got from Walmart.
2. Window Walker– She’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. She comes barreling down the sidewalk runs into my store’s glass window looks at the window with a dirty, angry look and keeps on walking. Excuse me miss. It was you not the window.
3. Step Sisters– They may not have been sisters, but it happened back to back. They both didn’t watch where they were walking on a hectic day, fell from not watching the step up into the store. Suddenly, I see the door slam farther open and a spinner full of merchandise wobble. I look down and see a lady struggling like a turtle to get up off the floor. 5 minutes later a repeat happened.
4. The Cracked Man– Fell and hit his head on the sidewalk, this one scared me.
5. Flavor: DBAG – “Sir no Ice-cream in the store.”
“Good thing I don’t have any”- as he takes a bite of ice-cream. “No food in the store.” “Good thing I don’t have any” “Leave your snacks outside” “OK OK I am moving” takes one small slow step toward the door. I’m over here thinking don’t mess with me I have finger guns and not afraid to use them.
6. The Turd Tosser– *throws a turd* “Uh Please don’t toss turds in the store” *most serious tone about turds ever*
7. Slow Pretty– “Do you sell that shirt?” “Schitt’s Creek is a real place, right?” “mmmm no It’s a TV show.” “But like a real place, right?” “No, it’s not.” “But I was just talking about the place” “umm congrats you can read titles on Netflix?” “I’ll buy this shirt because it’s cool New Hampshire has a place called Schitts creek.” Customer after her…. “We call that slow pretty in Texas.”
8. Fucking Candles– Lady buys “HAPPY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY” candles and says, “This is my best friends favorite adverb.” “Fucking?” I said way too loudly. “No happy, you sick fuck.”… “Just kidding it’s fucking.”
9. Gangster Vaper– This kid walks into my store, baggy pants, red shirt, and red bandana. He thinks because he grew up 20 minutes from Manchester he lives in the hood… Drop him off in Oakland see what happens. He walks into the store with a mod in his hands and takes a quick puff. I tell him don’t do that in the store. “Okay Yeah, I’m just holding it.” 30 seconds later, he takes another puff. I lost it. “Do that outside, not in the store. Be respectful and get out.” His girlfriend gave me the bitch face and the kid looked like he was going to pee his pants.
In the moment these customers always piss me off, but after a while, I just have to laugh. If I can’t laugh at these people or make a joke of the day to day shit I deal with, I would hate my job. The truth is because I can laugh at these guys I love every second of my job. The fact that I can walk home and write about customer after customer, is fantastic. Things have a funny way of working out in my life. I’m not exactly where I thought I should be at this point in my life, but for once I am happy. I laugh every day, I love every day, and for once, I feel chill about everything. When you let shit go, life brings happiness.